{"id":119465,"date":"2023-08-26T09:00:56","date_gmt":"2023-08-26T08:00:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/?p=119465"},"modified":"2023-08-22T13:19:58","modified_gmt":"2023-08-22T12:19:58","slug":"k-reilly-menopause-non-mother","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/menopause-your-way\/guest-author\/k-reilly-menopause-non-mother\/","title":{"rendered":"Kathryn Reilly on menopause for the non-mother"},"content":{"rendered":"

We can be productive when we\u2019re not reproductive. Even if we aren\u2019t mums.<\/em><\/p>\n

I very much looked forward to the menopause. It had been a breeze for my mum and I\u2019d been plagued with agonising fibroids, amenorrhea and periods since the age of 11. Bring it on, I thought. My only slight worry was that I might regret choosing not to have children, when it was literally too late. Motherhood is a woman\u2019s purpose, right? It\u2019s normal. It\u2019s what you should<\/em> do. However, I think it\u2019s a privilege to have a child, rather than a right. And some people just aren\u2019t parent material. Including me.<\/p>\n

Almost exclusively associated with loss (libido, hair, vitality, muscle tone, continence),\u00a0 the menopause – from the Ancient Greek \u201cmen,\u201d meaning month, which is related to the word moon, and \u201cpauein\u201d meaning to cease or stop – is something to be feared, we are consistently told. Look out for the symptoms, they say (but it\u2019s not an illness). For me, in many ways, it felt like a letting go of all the bad stuff – the pain and inconvenience, the hormonal roller-coaster and desperate visits to doctors and hospitals. The drugs and therapies. One by one, the bad stuff stopped and I was set free. I didn\u2019t feel any less womanly, even if I have to accept I do feel more invisible. But I quite like that.<\/p>\n

Yes, I had hot flushes, but they were bearable. I felt (and feel) tired but I don\u2019t know anyone, male or female, who doesn\u2019t after the last few years. My memory isn\u2019t what it once was (I could say the same about this and the stress of the pandemic). My hair is even thinner than ever, but there are ways of coping with that. I wouldn\u2019t swap any of this to go back to that monthly hell.<\/p>\n

But what about coming to terms with the fact I definitely wasn\u2019t going to be a mum? For me, there were more reasons not to have children than there were to. Maybe it\u2019s because by the time I met my husband when nearly 40, I\u2019d assumed that I wouldn\u2019t reproduce. Or because I have suffered from depression throughout my life and didn\u2019t want to risk passing that on. And I certainly didn\u2019t want to tempt along the post-natal sort. Or it might have been because I had an unhappy childhood. And the state of the world didn\u2019t seem to exactly encourage me to add to the next generation.<\/p>\n

Plus, I didn\u2019t think I\u2019d necessarily be a good mother. The ones I\u2019ve witnessed who seem to \u201cboss it\u201d are totally attuned to what\u2019s best for their offspring, rather than themselves. And ultimately, that means letting go. I can\u2019t imagine how hard that must be. I was also terrified of childbirth having had my passage into the world – and how it nearly killed her – recounted at regular intervals by my mother. But possibly the most decisive factor is that I am an only child from a dysfunctional family.<\/p>\n

For many women, the start of the menopause is inextricably linked with the thought of never having another child. But not all. It\u2019s a different matter, of course, if you really wanted to have children but were unable. Which is what most people assume every woman without kids must have gone through. It\u2019s the difference between considering yourself childless or child-free. And isn\u2019t it abnormal not to have maternal feelings. I\u2019m lucky that we now live in an age where I won\u2019t (necessarily) be deemed a witch. And where I managed to swerve the pressure to procreate without too much trouble or too many nosy questions.<\/p>\n

It would seem I\u2019m not alone in making this call. Birth rates in the USA are at their lowest for decades, although UK figures went up slightly in 2021 (showing no evidence of the COVID baby boom many were anticipating). In evolutionary terms, we\u2019re lucky – past generations might have died in childbirth or before menopause. But there\u2019s an evolutionary argument as to why we are the only species apart from whales that lives on after our birth-giving years – and it\u2019s that grandmothers can help keep their children\u2019s children alive.<\/p>\n

We\u2019re now at a point where it\u2019s not hugely unusual for women who stop menstruation at 50 to live another half century, whereas in the Ancient Greeks\u2019 times, 50 percent of women died by the age of 34. So to think of ourselves as \u2018over the hill\u2019 and without purpose once we\u2019re not fertile is kind of silly. Where did all the negativity come from? In Medieval times it seemed you could either be a witch or a lovely granny.<\/p>\n

The good old Victorians are responsible for a lot of nonsense, especially surrounding women and \u2018morals\u2019. They believed the womb and brain to be connected, they thought it highly likely that post-menopausal women might go mad. In more recent times, women without functioning ovaries were somehow \u2018unnatural\u2019 and therefore hormone replacement therapy began. And is there a more emotive insult than to be called \u201cbarren\u201d?<\/p>\n

The greatest Queen of England, Elizabeth I, was thought to be just that, although there\u2019s no proof to support this. It\u2019s more likely that, given her mother\u2019s demise, she associated sex with death. She was also clever enough to know that if she married, she would diminish her supreme power. So even though she couldn\u2019t leave an heir, it would seem she chose not to become a mother.<\/p>\n

Nowadays, it\u2019s sometimes argued that not having kids is selfish. Another viewpoint might be that having a child is the ultimate act of selfishness because it\u2019s all about creating a mini-me. Ego is in charge. Not to mention the fact that the planet can\u2019t sustain more people. There are always two sides to an argument.<\/p>\n

Despite thinking of myself as \u2018not a child person\u2019, I adore spending time with my nieces and nephew. I am lucky to have many close friends who also don\u2019t have children. Tellingly, we all worked together, pouring an enormous amount of time and energy into our careers. And we were largely of the generation who were encouraged to put work first. I am also lucky that my friends who are parents don\u2019t consider me a freak (that I know of).<\/p>\n

Hoorah for the post-menopause years!<\/p>\n

For more stories, advice and interviews, head to the\u00a0Menopause Your Way Stories hub<\/a>. To browse and shop a curated edit of menopause products, visit the\u00a0Menopause Your Way page on QVC<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The content of the QVC website is for information only. It is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on the QVC website.<\/i><\/p>\n

We understand there\u2019s a lot of information out there on the menopause. You can read through the\u00a0<\/i>NICE guidance on menopause management<\/i><\/a>, as well as the\u00a0<\/i>NHS overview on the menopause<\/i><\/a>.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We can be productive when we\u2019re not reproductive. Even if we aren\u2019t mums. I very much looked forward to the menopause. It had been a breeze for my mum and I\u2019d been plagued with agonising fibroids, amenorrhea and periods since the age of 11. Bring it on, I thought. My only slight worry was that […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":82,"featured_media":119472,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[292,295],"tags":[176],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/119465"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/82"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=119465"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/119465\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":119473,"href":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/119465\/revisions\/119473"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/119472"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=119465"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=119465"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=119465"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}