{"id":119581,"date":"2023-09-26T11:31:21","date_gmt":"2023-09-26T10:31:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/?p=119581"},"modified":"2023-09-26T12:04:00","modified_gmt":"2023-09-26T11:04:00","slug":"ruth-ramsay-intimacy-midlife","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stories.qvcuk.com\/menopause-your-way\/guest-author\/ruth-ramsay-intimacy-midlife\/","title":{"rendered":"Sex coach Ruth Ramsay on intimacy in midlife"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sexual problems in midlife can create heart-breaking rifts in relationships. Symptoms of the menopausal journey, family and work stresses, and the shame of talking about sex, often combine to shut down intimacy even in formerly close couples. But it doesn\u2019t have to be this way.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cI miss sex so much. Not just the sex itself, but the closeness, you know?\u201d. The woman in front of me dabs at her eyes with a tissue. \u201cIt\u2019s not like we were swinging from chandeliers every weekend. But we used to have a good time, we used to laugh, and it felt like us against the world. Now it\u2019s like we are colleagues, running the business of our shared life.\u201d<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re a woman in midlife with a long-term partner, do you recognise these words\u2026? If our libido goes AWOL at this life stage it doesn\u2019t necessarily occur to us to fight for it – we\u2019ve always been told we\u2019ll be \u2018dried-up and past-it\u2019 post-40. This is a loss in so many ways, the physical and mental benefits of sex being big ones. But the impact on relationships can also be devastating.<\/p>\n

Sex can be a key way we or our partner show love, affection and attention. It can be the time we get to relax and play as adults, and may be the one thing we share only with each other, that makes us a special team. It might be the main way we make physical contact. When midlife pressures hit, many women stopped hugging or kissing their partner in the fear it will lead to an expectation of sex. They feel desperately lonely.<\/p>\n

If this describes you, you are not alone. Professor Susan Davis at Monash University in Australia led a team researching libido in 10,500 women. It found the percentage reporting \u2018low libido\u2019 jumped from 37.6 per cent in the 33-39 year old age bracket, to 59.3 per cent in the 40-44 year old group \u2013 by far the largest jump over the lifespan. It then climbed to 74.2 per cent in the 55-59 year old group.<\/p>\n

Of course, low libido is not necessarily a problem, if a women is not upset by it and it doesn\u2019t cause problems in her life. So Dr Davis also asked about distress around it. The proportion of women reporting low libido AND associated distress was 24.5 per cent for 35-39-year-olds, and jumped to 33.4 per cent for 40-44-year olds. It then stayed above 30 per cent, until starting to fall post-65.<\/p>\n

So for 25 years of their lifespans, around a third of women have low libido and distress about the situation.<\/p>\n

This is a dire shame, when there is much that can be done to address the problem, and so much to gain. Aside from keeping us close with a partner, good sex boosts our physical and mental health and reduces stress. Genital arousal helps fend off vaginal atrophy. And sexual pleasure helps us be friends with our bodies, which is what we need at this age.<\/p>\n

How can we turn this around? <\/strong><\/p>\n

We may have lived our lives believing we have little to no control over our libido, but that\u2019s incorrect. Here are my suggestions.<\/p>\n